Creating a vision for your marriage to clarify aspirations

Is it biblical?

As marriage coaches, my wife and I like to help couples craft a vision for their marriage.

When we talk of vision, Proverbs 29:18a (KJV) ‘Where there is no vision, the people perish’ is often referenced. Whether this scripture is used out of content or not, is the subject of debate, but we believe there is much to be said for making plans. We believe that married couples should seek to walk together in their purpose. In Amos 3:3 (NLT) it says ‘Can two people walk together, without agreeing on the direction?’

What is a vision?

Firstly, what is vision? A vision is where we create a mental picture of our preferred future.

Our interpretation of Christian vision is a description of how we intend to use our God given gifts to build His Kingdom for His glory. So when we create a vision for our marriage, it’s not so much a case of us just selfishly thinking about what we want and expecting God to rubber-stamp it, it’s more a case of praying and asking God to reveal to us how we can serve him by serving our spouse. If we ask God to guide us in this process, He is not going to tell us to do something that goes against His word. Our God is a creative God, so when we humbly come before Him, he can speak to us both individually and as a couple in His still small voice about how we can honour Him whilst honouring our spouse.

Our vision, as couple, should seek to stimulate, energise and motivate us to work together towards a common purpose that delights each other and helps us to build each other up with shared values and unity.

We believe a vision as a married couple should never cause us to want to go in completely opposite directions. Of course we bring to the marriage different personalities, attitudes and skills that God want us to use to complement each other, to create a force that is stronger and better than each individual, and indeed He may also use us to great affect in our own capacity. But here we are talking about the two people rather than the one.

Although I mentioned God given gifts, He usually choses the least likely of people to establish His Kingdom rather than ‘ready-made’ or ‘self-made’ people, so although we may be aware of each others gifts, we may not always be able to see that gifting in ourselves. Obviously when we have created a vision we can’t guarantee it will actually happen in the way that we’ve planned but we can be assured that God want’s the very best for us. In Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NLT) it says ‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.’

What is the difference between a mission, a vision and a calling?

Our understanding of a ‘mission’, or mission statement, is that it is a broad-based description of the destination of where we are trying to get to and is part of our DNA and is unchangeable. A ‘vision’, however, is more of a description of how we envision how we are going to get there. A ‘calling’ is how we sense God is leading us to serve others. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we are all ‘called’ to full-time ministry or working in the church.

So what things should we include in our vision for our marriage?

Creating a vision for your marriage can help you both clarify your aspirations and give direction to the plans you make.

Firstly, as a married couple, our values should be non-negotiable and shared.

There are no hard and fast rules about the content of a vision for our marriage, but we would say, that in a Christian marriage, a good starting point would be service.

• Serving God

• Serving each other

• Serving others

There is going to be a lot of overlap between these and our ‘calling’. We believe our individual ‘callings’ would never be at the expense of our marriage.

Serving God – We honour God by honouring the institution of marriage. This means fulfilling our marriage vows. Our vision might be to modify our behaviours so that our ‘office’ as a married couple represents God’s plan well.

Serving each other – By giving of our time and energy, our spouse will feel loved and supported. There is a joy in giving, but our encouragement should also cause them to reciprocate.

Serving others – As well as blessing others, having a common purpose in those we serve will naturally cause us to spend time with each other that is positive and builds unity.

In writing a vision we would suggest that it contains a shorter-term plan of say what we hope to achieve in one year, and a longer-term one for five years and perhaps twenty years from now.

We would recommend that this vision be re-visited and discussed on an annual basis, not only because it is bonding to do so, but because that plan may need to be modified because of circumstances and in the seasons of life that we go through.

Why do it? Well, we believe that God can’t steer a ship that hasn’t set sail.

Whatever we plan, we need to commit it to the Lord in prayer for in Proverbs 16:3 (NLT) it says ‘Commit your actions to the LORD and your plans will succeed.’