Understanding how to navigate financial strife in marriage

Possible causes of Strife

Whilst financial strife or stress may not be the number one cause of conflict in marriage it is often regarded as one of the most persistent.

It is important to address worries or concerns about financial matters with our spouse because to bury them can have a long-term affect – particularly in the area of trust.

The practical consequences of avoiding discussions about money can lead to debt, poverty and lack of opportunity for some life choices and goals.

Undoubtedly most marriages will experience one or more of the following money stressors in their relationship at some point.

• Differences in opinion about priorities and spending habits

• Mismanagement or lack of communication

• Lack of money (caused by job loss or inability to work)

• Problems with cash flow or budgeting

• Attitudes to risk and security

I myself have experienced redundancy on 4 occasions – through no fault of my own. Whilst those experiences haven’t always been unexpected, they do demand attention and require adjustment strategies.

Stewardship and Provision

If our starting point is that everything we own is God’s anyway, and that it is God that helps us to produce wealth, then we can rest in the knowledge the He has got our best interests at heart (see Deuteronomy 8:18). Whilst in Mathew 6:25-34 we are told not worry about tomorrow’s provision, that does not mean we should be foolhardy or extravagantly frivolous with money. We are to be good stewards and not be wasteful. When we marry, everything we have should be shared. That is why the marriage vow…….’for richer, for poorer’ has been adopted by many Christian denominations. If either spouse has the larger income or contributes more to the combined material wealth, we are still to be accountable to each other. The parable of the talents (Mathew 25: 14-30) hints that it is not wise to keep secrets regarding someone else’s money.

For those couples that we coach, we like to set goals. Not withstanding that God can do anything, He gives us wisdom to know that some of those goals may be constrained by finances. God likes us to co-partner with him by being united in purpose as a couple. This can be challenging if one of you is a saver whilst the other is more of a spender. However, if a couple can work together to support their combined aim they should get a good return for their labour (see Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). Getting the counsel of a coach (see Proverbs 15:22 and 13:16) can often help a couple to see more clearly how to achieve their financial goals.

In our contemporary western culture, the practice of budgeting has become something of a lost art. We want something now, perhaps before we can actually afford it. Whilst it may not suit every couple, we are advocates of having a joint bank account or account(s), where everything is out in the open and there are no secrets. We have adopted a strategic approach to how we separate out our finances into specific pots where we deposit income, put money aside for fixed outgoings, and reserve other funds for forthcoming anticipated expenditure. Some of the latter is for the necessary items of life but, where possible, also facilitates ‘disposable’ / leisure or more pleasurable activity. The whole subject of tithing and charitable giving is a whole other area of topical interest that perhaps we will cover in a future blog, podcast or maybe even a course.

Money in of itself is not evil but the love of it can be destructive. We met a married couple once where one spouse declared that ‘they lived for money.’ We were not surprised a few months later to discover from the other spouse that the one with the wrong priorities did not value family life and served a different master, causing the marriage to fail and ending in divorce. (see Hebrews 13:5 and Matthew 6:21 & 24)

With money, we can either spend it, keep/save it, invest it or waste it. When we use money as a tool and steward it to bring glory to God, then the money itself no longer becomes our master.

Effective Communication of our finances

One of the ways we can avoid marital strife when finances are challenging is to build in better communication when times aren’t so hard. We can choose to either build up our spouse or put them down (see Proverbs 18:21). Our choice of words can be either affirming or discouraging/belittling. The former allowing for compromise and the later can lead to mistrust.

Inevitably it is better if one spouse – the one who is best gifted at managing money and administration - is in charge whilst the other is still fully ware of what is going on. It is important that both respect each other’s roles (see Ephesians 4:15-16) and hear the others point of view even if it is at odds with the most practical way forward. Amanda and I both know that God can provide and guide us during financial challenges. We have past experience of it. However, it is when we are in the moment of a newly developing financial strife situation that one can remind the other of how we navigated it in the past with God’s help. (see Philippians 4:19)

In chapter 4 of our book ‘Marriage Made in Heaven (when we say I will) we dive deeper into the marriage vow ‘For Richer for Poorer’. There we go into the differences between our families of origin’s financial position and set out practical principles that help us think wisely about financial stewardship.

Prayer and finances

There is definitely plenty of wrong teaching about money out in the world and whilst we would not advocate praying for wealth, for personal gain, we do believe God is very compassionate. It is only ever the enemy’s plan to divide. So, if you end up in a season of personal financial crisis as a married couple God definitely has a heart to bless you if your motives are right. He seeks to use every situation to mould us, shape us and to draw closer to us. As a married couple, we have the added blessing of having a ready-formed prayer group, if we choose to use it, so we would encourage you to bring every concern – including those about money before the Lord. (see Matthew 18:20)

For more about praying together as a married couple see our related blog or listen to our forthcoming podcast.