5 reasons for creating roles & responsibilities in marriage
A friend came back from her holiday in the sun the other day. She’d been away with her ‘partner’ and their two very young children. On asking if she’d had a lovely time, her response was somewhat sad but not overly surprising. She had given cautious hints that she was concerned, before she left, regarding the whole area of holidaying with young children and how she already knew that it wouldn’t be ‘much of a break’. But that wasn’t all that she said on her return. It seemed that her main bug-bare was not the children but the lazy partner.
This couple are not married but my friend still expected a certain level of responsibility in a relationship where they are trying to bring up a family. How much more then, in a marriage, where promises have been made and said, where both have given themselves to each other in front of witnesses, should we ‘more than’ expect a commitment to the relationship, where we each come with our role and responsibility in that relationship. My friend couldn’t understand why she was left to do practically everything to enable them to ‘enjoy’ the holiday. She said that ‘he just assumed I would get the children clothed, fed, ready for the beach! While he just got himself ready. He never offered to help prepare or clean up, carry bags’ e.t.c.
Communication between 2 people in any relationship is important but when there is a level of expectation – these conversations need to happen to establish confidence and trust in one another. Let’s look at 5 reasons for establishing roles and responsibilities.
Firstly, the best time to talk is before the wedding! During the dating process – getting to know each other – find out what each enjoys and recognises in each other. How we conduct ourselves with money. What are our spending habits – frivolous or cautious. Do we budget or are we often in debt? When we arrange dates together, do we stick to that arrangement? Are we considerate or constantly letting the other person down? How clean and tidy are we in our spaces – even the way we dress. Many of these areas are little ‘give aways’ as to how we might conduct ourselves in a relationship. But you say, “I am already married and he/she doesn’t pull their weight” Well, sit down and have that conversation now. Take a note pad and write down your expectations and let them write theirs down. Discuss how you see their strengths as well as weaknesses and let them tell you what they see.
Roles and responsibilities should reflect what you’re best at. If you’ve never been great at numbers and figures but your spouse is then let them be in charge of the budgeting. As a wife, don’t assume it’s always a bloke thing, or just because your mum did it, you feel you have to. Same goes for cleaning and cooking. Society in some ways has, over the years, dictated some of these roles and we must turn them on their head. Tell them what you enjoy doing and how you can work together. Ecclesiastes Chapter 4:9a,12b says that ‘two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one….two can stand back to back and conquer.’
Appreciation and cooperation move mountains. Be an encourager not a moaning Minnie. We have both come into this marriage as a team and both agreed ‘for better, for worse’.
God has gifted us as a couple, where he has brought you together. He will reveal His plans and purposes for you as individuals in the marriage, as well as how you work together. He is a God who completes things and is a giver of gifts. Ask His holy spirit what and how you should be in this marriage. When you both pray together ask Him to reveal His purposes in your roles as husband and wife. His word makes it plain as to how a husband and wife should conduct themselves towards each other in Ephesians 5:21-30,33; Titus2:3-5; Colossians 3:18 & 19 and 1Peter3:1-7 as well as in Malachi 1:14, when He reminded his people and us that he witnesses our marriage vows. When you establish your roles on Godly principles - He will bless you.
We have a responsibility to the next generation. Obviously, it means being a good example to our children. But if we don’t have children, we are still witnessing to younger people or just ‘other’ people. I am always being inspired by other couples who do things differently. They seem to ‘help’ their marriage work better. As Christians we should always be willing to learn and encourage. Having a family is a great responsibility and part of their training is to watch us as mum and dad and how we conduct ourselves. Reflecting our Godly roles and being responsible for carrying them out will create a better lifestyle for us as well as our children.
Let’s be gracious. The number 5 means grace in Hebrew, hence 5 reasons for establishing our responsibilities.
As a Christian in your marriage, it’s good to go the extra mile. O.K, so he didn’t see the ironing on the stairs (again!) as he went up – which means you have to pick it up instead. It is frustrating but I have learnt over the years to keep quiet sometimes. It may not be your turn to make dinner; the evening drink before bed; cut the grass or get the petrol (gas) and put the rubbish (trash)out. But offer to do it anyway. How much more will it speak love in your marriage. Your relationship will move to another level. We know the Lord is watching – He will bless you even if your spouse doesn’t notice.
