How to forgive in your marriage - a Biblical guide

Introduction

Forgiveness in any relationship is important but particularly so in marriage. It can affect intimacy and trust with the person we are most likely to be emotionally vulnerable to and spend most time with. Unsurprisingly there have been research studies that show that forgiveness is an important factor in relational satisfaction.

There could be a range of reasons why forgiveness is needed, ranging from everyday misunderstanding, upset, conflict, offence, betrayal and infidelity. I’m not going to approach this blog from the position of an expert as every situation is personal and different. Many are beyond my personal experience. However, I will be referring to my understanding of best practice illuminated by the Bible. Indeed, there are many practical challenges in forgiveness because most people live with the person they are married to - so they have to face that person whilst hurt is present and sometimes with very raw emotions on the surface. Forgiveness is a process of letting go of those negative emotions.

Biblical Foundation

Forgiveness is a cornerstone of Christian marriage because marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church. The practical outworking of the Christian understanding of forgiveness is often tested first in our closest relationship. For the most part, these tests can be relatively trivial but can loom large at the time they are experienced.

The Bible says in Ephesians 4:32 (NLT) ‘Instead, be kind to each other, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you’. Our ability to forgive might be affected by our temperament and how forgiveness was modelled to us as a child, but that is not an excuse. The character we should be aiming for, as Christians, is to be Christ-like. Nobody ever said that being a Christian was easy!

In Jesus, we have the ultimate guide to forgiveness through his sacrifice on the cross. He has forgiven all our sins and misdemeanours past, present and future. In marriage we are unlikely to be able to get all our forgiving done on one day, never to be confronted with the need to forgive again. It is an ongoing challenge. Colossians 3:13 (NLT) says ‘Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.’

Overcoming Hurt

Forgiveness is almost always needed for hurt to be disarmed. It may not always be possible to forget the hurt caused, but the act of forgiveness is a decision that leads to the start of the process. Once forgiveness is granted, it allows the spirit to be at peace. Depending on the severity of the hurt, it can result in closure allowing both parties to move on. Where forgiveness is not forthcoming, unforgiveness can lead to bitterness. Unfortunately, if that bitterness is not dealt with quickly, it can grow up like weeds, often causing the recipient of the hurt to inflict more damage on themselves. If healing of the hurts starts, and that healing is interrupted by further hurt from the spouse (careless or accidental), a barrier can start to build up between the couple. Hebrews 12:15 (NLT) Says ‘Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.’

The Power of Reconciliation

Whilst forgiveness can be unilateral, reconciliation definitely requires both parties to want to restore any brokenness in the relationship.

Of course hurt and offence can be bidirectional. So, it is good after conflict and argument to find and reflect on one’s own actions and unilaterally and unconditionally broker peace. The best outcome where there has been hurt in both people is for them both to forgive. In Ephesian 4:26 (NLT) it says ‘……..Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry’ and for good reason. Allowing hurt to fester allows an inroad for the enemy to distort the truth, often embellishing fact with fiction about things that were said and done that your spouse actually didn’t say or do, making the resolution harder over time. That said, whilst it is an ideal to resolve conflict quickly, trying to do this late at night, particularly if one or both of you is tired may also be counterproductive. If a couple can agree to park a conflict, after at least a partial agreement that acknowledges hurt has been caused, it can lead to a unity of spirit. This pre-forgiveness or promise of forgiveness to come can release the couple to communicate from a more conciliatory position the following day. Mathew 5:23-24 (NLT) says ‘So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.’

The Role of Apology

I haven’t specifically mentioned the role of apology in forgiveness. The person on the receiving end of an apology may need to evaluate how genuine the apology is. There is a sense in which some feel that accepting an apology is ‘letting the other person off the hook.’ Is the spouse that is apologizing just saying it for a quiet life? Do they understand why they are apologizing? Are they genuinely sorry, remorseful and repentant, or are they just regretful for how the consequences of their actions or words are now affecting them from a selfish perspective?

Good apologies are definitely helpful in many situations for forgiveness to flow, but neither should they be a prerequisite. Where grace abounds in a relationship, joy normally follows.

Rejected apology and Refusal to forgive

When a person is hurt it may not be possible for them to accept an apology on the same timescale that the offending spouse would like. Some people have a tendency to sulk and withdraw whilst others may have a tendency to rush in to resolve things. Neither trait is better than the other. Sometimes a spouse will need time to process an apology, particularly if they need to see tangible action or proof that the spouse is repentant to validate the apology. But equally, holding onto hurts and not letting go of past grievances is not healthy either. In 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (NLT) it says ‘Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.’

 It is not uncommon for couples to have personality traits that are the opposite of themselves. Subliminally that might be part of the reason why they were attracted to their mate in the first place. Recognising this difference between yourself and your partner helps prevent disappointment.

How to Forgive

• Realise that you have been hurt and that it is your emotions rather than your spirit that affects your ability to forgive.

• Try to see the other person’s perspective and picture how God loves them as well.

• Try not to judge your partner. True forgiveness requires this.

• In our own strength, it is not easy to forgive. Fortunately, as Christians we have the influence of the Holy Spirit to help us and comfort us. Prayer is a great way of letting go of unforgiveness. We can pray for forgiveness and it helps with how to forgive our spouse, when needed.

We can’t expect to forgive just once, it’s an ongoing decision as we journey through marriage. As we go through different seasons in marriage there will be fresh challenges. See Matthew 18:21-22

The Benefits of Forgiveness

One of the benefits of forgiveness is that it strengthens trust and unity. The more we practice it, the better equipped we are to forgive again.

We have often found that when we have both forgiven each other after conflict, it has led to a deepening intimacy as we seek to understand each other’s feelings and needs.

Knowing that our spouse may forgive is not an excuse to violate them but it provides us with the security to know that if we make mistakes there is a way back for redemption.

In the same way, we must be willing to forgive and allow them to be imperfect. We come into marriage with the flaws of humanity. God makes use of the flaws to mould us into the person he wants us to be. Often God will use our spouse as a means of grabbing our attention.

Where there has been significant hurt and forgiveness is difficult to achieve, it may help to seek pastoral counselling. For recurrent conflict and unforgiveness, marriage coaching can provide a couple with strategies to reduce conflict and tools to cope with hurt and to build in a positive attitude. Learning to forgive is both a practical tool for marital harmony and a divine responsibility as a Christian.