How to nurture spiritual closeness as a couple

I want to start by asking this question. Is it possible to have a fulfilling Christian marriage without spiritual intimacy? Before attempting to answer this question, perhaps I should try to define what I mean by spiritual intimacy. Christian spiritual intimacy between a married couple is the deep shared connection, they have, in their mutual relationship with God where they seek to grow together in faith. It involves seeking and encouraging their purpose as a couple, to express God’s love for each other and for others they come into contact with. So how can we do this practically? Later, I will also try to suggest practical steps to take for those in a marriage where their spouse doesn’t share their faith.

Biblical Foundation

The Bible explains how God desires for us to be united physically, emotionally and spiritually. (See Genesis 2:24). Ephesians 5:31-32 (NLT) ‘As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.’

(See also Ecclesiastes 4:7-12) It is that ‘helping each other to succeed’ that encourages the spiritual growth of each other. That strength that comes from our intimacy with God as a small group of three. (See Mathew 18:20) Our connection with God also serves to bring direction and agreement that bonds couples, with a shared belief, together. (See Amos 3:3)

Benefits of Spiritual Closeness in a Marriage

So what are the benefits of spiritual closeness? Seeking God together will bring couples into deeper communication about beliefs and values. Sharing prayer times together can also confirm that we are on ‘the same page’. What we say to God is shared and it exposes our true heart, vulnerabilities and hopes. It causes us to reflect upon what we are in agreement about. Our agreed ‘Amen’ to our prayers confirms our unity. As individuals we will hear God’s spirit speak into our thoughts. When we hear God speak the same things to us this brings delight and builds faith that we are tuning into God correctly. When we hear additional things from God, not heard or sensed by our spouse, we can give thanks for this extra revelation. God will never give us revelation about our beliefs and values that are in conflict with ‘His word’ (what is says in the Bible). Similarly, we are not clones of our spouse and we may see things from a different position to them. God uses our differences to hone and shape us. Proverbs 27:17 (NLT) says ‘As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.’

How to Cultivate Spiritual Intimacy: Practical Steps

• Praying Together

One of the most unifying things we can do as a couple is to pray together (see our blog ‘Is praying together important in your marriage?’ and our Podcast: ‘Praying as a married couple.’

• Studying Scripture together

Studying scripture together and reading the Bible or devotionals together, will encourage that triangular relationship between us and God. To keep this fresh, we have recently decided to listen and read from a ‘Bible in One Year’ app. Ideally, we should also read and study our Bible individually as well. God is seeking relationship with us in whatever time we can devote to Him.

• Worshipping Together

If we share worship together, that too will strengthen our unity. This we can do at worship services at church, but also we can do this privately in our own home by playing worship music and singing our praises to God with our spouse.

• Serving Together

This builds a joint sense of purpose and builds spiritual camaraderie.

Overcoming Obstacles to Spiritual Intimacy

• Distractions

One of the biggest hinderances to spiritual growth in marriage is the same as the hinderance to spiritual growth in general – Distractions and Busyness. In Luke 10:38-42 it tells the account of Jesus visiting Mary and Martha. Martha is rushing around preparing a big dinner whereas Mary is at the feet of Jesus listening to him. I’m sure you’ll agree that life can be very hectic and I don’t have all the answers to this other than setting priorities. Although it may seem counter-cultural to make time to be quiet and apparently ‘do-nothing’, living from a place of peace will definitely help one to make the best use of our time and can be more productive than when we are busy. I often find myself creating a ‘to do’ list for the day in hand. Although I may feel that something has to be done from a long list of items, often I have found re-arranging my priorities has shown me that things can wait and instead making time for God, having spiritual intimacy with my wife, makes for a greater sense of wellbeing.

• Conflicts

In marriage, it is extremely unlikely that we will never have conflict. Building Spiritual Intimacy helps protect us from a back log of pain and resentment. (see Ephesians 4:23 and Colossians 3:13) (See also our Blog on ‘How to forgive in marriage – Biblical guidance’)

• Different levels of Spiritual Maturity

What should you do if you have a different level of spiritual maturity to your spouse? This might occur because you have come to faith at different times, had different family backgrounds or that you simply didn’t get the same input while developing as a Christian. It’s important to remember that the walk of faith is a walk and not a race. It’s not a competition. In fact, the spouse that is, so say, ‘more’ spiritually mature should humble themselves and do everything they can to help the other to grow. The spouse who is less confident or believes they have an impossible challenge of trying to, as it were, ‘catch-up’ should be encouraged to know that God is with them. See 2 Corinthians 12:9.

Practical action if you are Married to a Spouse that doesn’t share your faith

• Pray Consistently for Your Spouse

Don’t put pressure on your spouse to change, but let the witness of your patience and grace cause them to desire to want to share in your faith. Trust the Holy Spirit to work on them

• Live Out Your Faith Through Love and Respect

Your spouse seeing how God is transforming you, will make your faith enticing. Be respectful to win their trust.

• Engage in Open, Respectful Conversations

Be gentle in sharing your faith. Don’t judge them and allow them to share their views. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in when to share how your relationship with Jesus enriches your life.

• Find Common Spiritual Ground

Try to take part in activities together that reflect Christian principles such as helping and supporting others.

• Be Patient and Trust God’s Timing

Know that however difficult and frustrating the wait is, that God has heard your prayers. Celebrate small and gradual steps towards greater spiritual intimacy rather than showing disappointment if change isn’t overnight.

Additional suggestions for improving and sustaining Spiritual Intimacy

If you are in a marriage where both of you share faith, you are greatly blessed. Here are a few additional suggestions.

• Commit to Daily Time of Prayer Together

If at all possible, try to find a time when you can spend at least 5 minutes together sharing with God things that matter to you personally and as a couple. If one or both of you work with changing shifts, be intentional by mapping out on a calendar, or diary, where you can connect at least 7 times a week. If your job takes you away from home for extended periods, try to use a phone or text to share these moments as a priority.

• Create a Prayer Journal

Creating a shared journal of prayer requests and how God has answered those prayers. (See Philippians 4:6-7)

• Spiritual Health Check Discussions

Make a point of having a regular discussion about how you feel spiritually. Do you feel you are being nurtured and encouraged by your spouse and by other Christians around you? Does anything need to change to help you feel you are growing spiritually.

• Go on a Christian Marriage Retreat or Course

There are some great marriage retreats – depending on where you live – that specialise in supporting and enriching marriages. For those struggling badly or with limited time these are sometimes called ‘intensives’. Often these are based in beautiful or peaceful locations. Going away with your spouse shows intention away from distraction. Often these retreats are weekend based and sometimes they focus more on specific topics and content. We plan to run some more of these retreats in the future but we can point couples to others. For those on a tight budget or with childcare issues another option is live or on-demand courses that can be purchased in video format. We are developing our own courses so contact us or sign up to our newsletter to be notified.

• Set Spiritual Growth Goals Together

We are great believers of setting spiritual goals for your marriage by creating a vision for it. See our blog entitled ‘Creating a vision for your marriage’

• Speak Words of Encouragement over each other regularly

Regularly speaking sincere, positive, affirming words over your husband or wife can greatly enhance the emotional and spiritually connection between yourselves. Sadly, many of us remember the negative words more readily than the positive ones, so we need to redress the balance. Proverbs 18:21 (NLT) says ‘The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.

Accountability Mentoring and Coaching

We believe that all Christians can benefit from the advice and counsel of others. It’s very difficult to grow as a Christian in isolation, so we encourage all Christian couples to be part of a small group or Christian community however big or small that is. For some married couples they have no reference point or they had a poor model or no model at all of what a healthy Christian marriage looks like. Seeking out and learning from a more spiritually mature couple can be a real blessing and gives a couple a level of accountability.

Probably the best example of a couple working together to nurture others, in the Bible, is Priscilla & Aquilla. (To find a little more about them see Acts 18:1-3; Acts 18:18-19, 26; Romans 16:3-4; 1 Corinthians 16:19; 2 Timothy 4:19)

We at The Marriage Partnership provide coaching sessions to support and help Christian married couples of all ages to help grow in spiritual intimacy together. It’s a passion and calling we have had for over 20 years. We do not profess to be experts in every relational scenario but we can offer what we learned ourselves from our own marriage, from our training, and others that have mentored us. If you would like to schedule a free Zoom call to find out more then please fill out our contact form.