Faith-filled keys to re-ignite hope in your marriage
Many married couples struggle in maintaining confidence and hope in their marriage. Common problems with marital dissatisfaction include; difficulty with conflict resolution, arguing over finances, poor communication, in-law problems, unrealistic expectations, disagreements over roles and responsibilities and lack of emotional or sexual intimacy to name but a few. This dissatisfaction can lead to one or both partners lacking confidence in the ability of the relationship to survive, and leading to a feeling of hopelessness.
Christian couples are not immune from these struggles but they do have the advantage of being able to lean on their faith and have the ability – if they so desire – to nurture their marriage so that it is robust, mutually supportive and protected by a strong biblical foundation. One marriage enrichment course we used to deliver, likened a Christian marriage to a house. Those with a strong foundation are able to stand more firmly with good longevity.
We have listed a few keys that are helpful in supporting a marriage, for those that have a faith based Christian marriage.
Key 1: The priority of Christ
When we put Christ at the centre of our marriage, rather than off to one side, our marriage becomes balanced. How do we do that in reality? Well, the more time we spend developing our faith, by being grafted into a faith-filled community such as a lively church, the more we will feel fed and encouraged. The more we are ‘in the word’, in other words, the more we are soaked in Biblical truths, the less likely we are to go astray. We may not remember everything that is said, but the more we learn, the more our roots will be deeper and stronger. (See the parable of the Sower from Mathew 13:1-23) Unfortunately, not all churches and Christian communities are good at supporting marriages, so it is important to be ‘grafted-in’ to a heathy vine. (Not strictly meant in this context but see Romans 11:17-24) As a couple, it’s important that we both flourish in our relationship with Jesus. We can not walk the journey of faith ‘for’ our spouse. This has to be a personal walk, but the more we ‘share’ and encourage our faith with our partner, sensitively and prayerfully, the more our insight and enlightenment will brush off on them. Studying the Bible, together as a couple, will help us to know the character of God but also it will give us practical wisdom to help us through the challenges in our relationship with each other. Often when a Christian marriage is struggling it is the ‘getting our relationship right with Jesus’ that needs addressing as well as the practical tools that need to be deployed in order to ‘rediscover’ our love. We believe it is a supernatural thing. When we work with, and partner with God, He helps us in our relationship and it is strengthened (Ecclesiastes 4:12(NLT) – ‘A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.’)
Key 2: Honest communication
When we enter into marriage, we are to become one-flesh. (See Genesis 2:23) In the traditional marriage vows, it mentions honouring each other with our bodies. We can take this to mean a sexual union, but we can also extend this to be a meeting of minds. That doesn’t mean that we are to be devoid of personal character and identity, as clearly it is often the ‘opposite’ of ourselves that may have been the attraction in the first place. Here I am talking about ‘thinking alike’. In other words, we should be attracted to the same values, goals and dreams. If we can’t share our innermost thoughts with our spouse, then we will struggle to achieve unity. This means being honest and truthful about our feelings and emotions. Invariably, this will sometimes cause conflict and tensions, but it is how we manage these conversations that will determine how we journey together. If you imagine diplomats involved in peace negotiations or deciding on trade deals, the best ones are those that can manage their temperaments and discern what the others are wanting and needing that will be able to achieve the best deals. It also means being truthful. Proverbs 12:22 (NLT) says ‘The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.’ Deception and lies normally get exposed in the end anyway so it’s better for us to be honest with our spouse all the time.
Key 3: Cultivating a Spirit of gratitude
Thankfulness is a key to developing our relationship with God and so it should be with our husband or wife. Words are powerful, so expressing our gratitude verbally towards our spouse is a Christ-like attitude. However, actions are also an overlooked aspect of gratitude. Saying we are grateful needs to be backed up by our body language. Being thankful with our eyes and by being tactile ads sincerity to our connection. (See 1 Thessalonians 5:18)
Key 4: Practising forgiveness and faith
I’ve deliberately entitled this key ‘practising’ forgiveness, because in any marriage we will need to afford our spouse grace. (See Colossians 3:13) When we come together in marriage we arrive as two people that are a ‘work in progress’ and that will continue throughout our relationship. We come with the human condition of being ‘flawed’. That’s not to excuse our wrong actions or behaviour, but to be realistic. We can’t expect our husband or wife to be perfect any more than we can expect ourselves to be perfect. Our perfection in Christ is a life-long journey. It is in marriage that we may be tested and moulded to be more like Him. Partners that go into marriage expecting that their relationship will be alright, when their spouse has changed, may be in for a rude awakening when it is ‘You’ that needs to be ‘changed’ by the refining process.(For reflection see Isaiah 64:8) See our blog on forgiveness
Key 5: Making time for each other
Quality time is probably the single most important factor in building a relationship. It true that some people are blessed to find love at first sight, but in general marriage at first sight is ill-advised. Marriage is an investment in another human being. In our commodity-based society we can’t expect a quick fix or a sustainable relationship if the relationship is not nurtured or fed. It’s exactly the same as our relationship with God. In our busy Western culture we need to be intentional in making time for each other. Quality time means communicating at a deeper level about things rather than just being in the same location. For those couples where one spouse is away from the marital home for long periods of time (such as service personal or international sales people) it will require more inventive strategies to double down on time together when they are in the same location. Shared experiences and memories are an important part of laying down hope for a shared future. We are advocates of shared hobbies, interests and date nights. See also blog on dating-your-spouse
(These scriptures are aimed at husbands but could work the other way around as well. See Ephesians 5:25 and Ecclesiastes 9:9)
Key 6: Encouragement and affirmation
As I mentioned earlier, words are powerful. When we encourage our spouse in what they have done; what they are doing; what they are about to do; who they are; and what they look like, it builds them up. It’s often said that it takes 5 times as many words of encouragement, compliment or affirmation to cover over 1 harmful word of criticism. Nagging and complaining to our spouse about their behaviour or actions may allow us to vent our frustration, but depending on their nature, it may damage their perception of how loved they feel. (Sometimes referred to as their love-tank). (See Proverbs 18:21)
Key 7: Spiritual connection through prayer
When we pray, we connect with God. When we pray with our husband or wife, we are also making a spiritual connection with their beliefs. When we hear our partner speak to God in shared vocalised prayer, it is a great way to learn what page they are on. When they share their personal prayers, this allows us to hear what’s concerning them and what they are thankful for and vice versa. This opening of our ‘hearts’ creates spiritual intimacy around subjects that we may not normally share in everyday conversation. (See Mathew 18:19-20, James 5:16)
As marriage coaches we would love you to schedule a call for a free consultation on how we could help you re-ignite your marriage.
