5 Small changes that can transform your marriage today

All relationships are complex because we, as human beings, are complex and unique so the title of this blog can appear too easy to sort out everything that is going on in your marriage. 

However, it is worth examining our behaviour and thought patterns to reveal how we could make a few subtle changes. The Bible, which we aim to refer to because we believe it to be God’s word, and He created marriage, does encourage us to transform our way of thinking so that we will understand ‘…how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is’. (Romans 12:2 NLT)

All five changes that are suggested, have their roots in love. I say this because we can think that some actions may appear light and gimmicky and just a quick fix to ease your own lifestyle. Many of the changes will require effort and self-sacrifice (see John 15:13). Results will not happen overnight as scientific principles might indicate. Hebrews 13:4 sums up how our attitude should be to marriage generally. We should value our marriage relationship and remain faithful whenever problems arise. Always seeking ways to enrich it, thus enabling us to get through and grow together despite what we face.

With Divine love on our side helping us to look at ourselves and our spouse through His lens (1 Corinthians 13:1-13), we will start with change number 1.

1) Being a good listener is a great start. In James’ letter, he encourages us to ‘…be quick to listen’ (1:19 NLT) It is also very wise to listen. (see Proverbs 8:1 & 6)

I will admit that this is speaking to me too. As a serial interrupter, I find this incredibly hard. Our human selfishness wants to get our opinions heard above others. So, if we stop and actually show that we our willing to listen to our husband or wife, when they are expecting us to only be interested in what we want to say, this behavioural change will speak volumes.

Now, there is a way to listen that means you are really listening and more importantly hearing what they are saying. We show a lot by the way we position ourselves. Our body language reveals 55% of what we are thinking. So, don’t carry on with chores or watching television and phone screens without looking up or turning around. The occasional “hmm” and “huh” will not do. Agree to spend time sitting, or standing, facing your spouse without folding your arms in a reluctant manner, and practise paraphrasing. The art of paraphrasing is to show you’ve heard what they have just said and understood. We can listen but not ‘get’ the meaning. This leads to misunderstanding and misconceptions. Listening is connecting, helping us to better understand and appreciate each other. Listening is also asking questions. This again shows we are interested in what they have to say. Our husband or wife will feel valued when you give them your time in listening. It is also so important to give eye contact. In our busy world we can get so easily distracted. Focused attention is saying ‘you matter’. Practice making eye contact for at least 10 seconds a day - and finishing with a kiss is the cherry on top!

2) Practicing gratitude - being thankful creates huge satisfaction all round. Everyone likes to be appreciated and what is more, as you say thank you, there is usually a returning compliment. Then both parties feel satisfied. As I said in the beginning, love is our chief motivator in all these changes, so if you know that your spouse’s love language is words, then you also know that compliments are extremely important to them. They will feel all the more loved-up by your attentions. The fact that you noticed what they did or said to you and responded positively, speaks volumes to them. Sadly, in our busy routines, we don’t always notice the little things that are probably done for us on a daily basis. She makes a cup of coffee when you are busily tapping on your laptop. He makes the bed and collects up the dirty breakfast dishes while you shower. She makes you your packed lunch for work, as a matter of routine, before getting on with the pile of ironing she needs to do. He tells you how beautiful you look in that dress.

We show how much we love each other when we say thank you. Giving a friend or work colleague a small gift as a way of thanking them seems appropriate but what if your spouse’s love language is gifts. A romantic gesture of a cut rose for your wife or a special favourite meal he loves, would be a special way of thanking them. Sometimes we forget at that moment but even a delayed response of gratitude won’t go amiss. Write it on a sticky note in their lunch box or under the fridge magnet; leave a text, or better still, a voice note so they can hear the tone of your voice. 1Thessalonians 5:18 says, ‘No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.’ (NLT)

3) Creating connections. It has already been mentioned that listening is connecting. However, spending quality time encompasses connection and involves a shared activity that enriches you both emotionally. Create a date night either together or as a surprise, taking it in turns each week. It will transform your marriage from becoming dull to how it was when you first met. There is an element of excitement that builds trust. We are sometimes more able to express ourselves through actions than words, so our spouse can learn more about us. The date doesn’t have to be big and/or expensive but small and low key. Intimacy is the real key here. Intimacy creates connections and if needed may improve your sex life.

Apart from active connection, there is passive connection too. It can be amusing and exciting to create secret codes or signals for each other when out in public. We’ve all heard of playing footsie under the table, so be more imaginative as a secret sign of affection for connection. Schedule times of non-verbal connecting at home too. Being comfortable in each other’s company without having to fill it with noise can be refreshing. Praying and soaking in the Spirit together is very much something we encourage Christian couples to do, so practising silent times is a great habit. (See Song of songs 1:16 NLT)

4) Keep short accounts. In other words, try to resolve your arguments and disagreements quickly. In 1Corinthians 13, it reminds us that love ‘...keeps no record of when it has been wronged.’ (v5 NLT) Don’t hold grudges in other words. Sometimes an argument can go way beyond the original disagreement and other nasty accusations find their way in from the poisonous pit in our hearts - have you noticed that? What is happening here is that we are trying to win and make a point. This is not resolving the argument! In fact both verses 4 and 5 reveal how our attitude should be towards each other which would avoid conflict altogether. Of course, we are not always going to see eye to eye and agree every time. Anger is a God given emotion (See verse 6) but it is how we use it that matters. When it is self-centred and demanding, then it becomes destructive and unforgiving - (Ephesians 4:26). God gets angry but He is angry with sin and evil not the person, who He is ready to forgive.

This is where good listening skills, as suggested above, come in to force. In the letter of James chapter 1, we are to be ‘...slow to speak and slow to get angry’, as well as being ready to hear what our husband or wife has to say (v19). The Ephesians quote from chapter 4:26 continues to warn that if we don’t reconcile our differences and go to bed angry, it will fuel our hurt into the next day. This gives the devil a foothold in our heart, which makes it much harder to love and forgive. It also sets the scene for the next slanderous and vindictive conflict to happen.

The best thing to do and the 4th small change, that will make a big difference, is to agree to press the pause button if you cannot agree on the subject. Remind each other that you still love each other despite your difference in opinion and agree to discuss the issue in the light of day.

Be open hearted, open minded and realise that we are both imperfect. Only God is perfect and will ‘…help in times of trouble’. (Psalm 46 NLT)

5)Create a vision. This final fifth change is more of a suggestion that might well be new to you. We come into marriage as two separate thinking individuals who God has joined together. Marriage is about loving and serving each other but it is also important to understand that we are in a spiritual relationship that serves God. When we place our marriage relationship on a certain level of status, the office of husband and wife takes on a whole new meaning. In God’s eyes we are equal as His children. He has given us individual gifts and abilities. However, in marriage we are to share those gifts and abilities as a way of serving Him, each other and others around us.

There is a wonderful scripture that describes how a vision should work. In the book of Amos (NLT), chapter 3:3, it says ‘Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?’. If you have never done this before, then do it now! Find a quiet time when you both can sit down with a notebook and write down 5 things that you value. What are those aspects of your life that you deem most important? This is more of a mission statement that is non-negotiable. It sets a standard that you both agree on. Then write down some goals or dreams that you hope to achieve in the coming year, in 3 years and 5 years. This is your vision. How you see your lives panning out together as a couple and as a family. This helps motivate and stimulate your relationship towards a common purpose. It is important to pray first together and seek His face but He knows what you want before you ask and wants to give you your heart’s desire (Psalm 20:4) - so long as it matches His will. In Jeremiah 29:11-13 He says His plans are ‘...for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope’. We must trust our future to Him.

Our differing skills and personalities will compliment our relationship and should not create division. (Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 NLT) When we have a shared goal and vision, it brings strength and unity to the marriage. It’s worth revisiting these set goals on an annual basis as circumstances, beyond our control, can cause us to change direction for a period of time. If we have shared them with our all-seeing God, then He brings all things together in His perfect timing. (Romans 8:28 NLT)

Check out our blog on why it’s important to set a vision for your marriage.

If you are trying to change each other, then nothing will change. Looking to see how behaviour and thought patterns could change is a very worthwhile way to start. Examine each change and pray that the Lord would bring help in where it is needed.